Do you see it?
That light down there, a little ways.
It's a dot in the darkness.
It's far.
Do you see it?
It's glowing.
It's burning.
It's hissing at the night.
I know you see it.
It stands alone.
In the abyss.
You're crawling.
You're searching.
You're yearning.
It's waiting.
It's there.
You see it.
I know you see it.
Go.
Go.
Go get it.
Bring it back.
It's there.
It's yours.
Hello, Melanie!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I want to say that I like the way this poem reads -- almost like whispers of encouragement.
I also like the simple language that you chose to use - it makes the few powerful words like 'abyss' you used stand out nicely and it also allows me to focus on what you're saying.
If I was going to suggest any changes, it would be to break the third stanza in half. This is mostly to help the flow.
Over all, this is a poem that came at exactly the right time in my life.
Thank you.
From a standpoint of imagining a goal, physical or metaphorical, the first thing that comes to my mind are obsticales. You could possibly add something about the things that are in the way of the goal, but I don't think it's necessary. It's a strong poem without adding anything.
ReplyDeleteMelanie-
ReplyDeleteThis is a very powerful piece and it's something I can definitely relate to. It's very promising and uplifting at the end with the last phrase being "it's yours." I have nothing negative to say as this was absolutely wonderful.
-kay
Melanie
ReplyDeleteI like this piece because it gives motivation. I read it the first time and was kind of confused, but after reading it again, I could totally understand where you were coming from.
It is a perfect description of a goal, because they are lights way off in the distance, waiting for us to get there. I have had a lot of goals in my life, some I have accomplished and others not, but this poem made me want to never let a goal lose its glow.
Maybe instead of having You're: crawling, searching, yearning... as 3 different lines, you could condense them to just one line? I do not know if that would take your thoughts into a different direction, but it might add emphasis being that those big words are all used in one line, one sentence... just a thought.
good work
cole